on believing in yourself...

I can't believe it has been almost a month since my last post. It seems like nothing and everything has changed...

Here's a bit of what I've been up too...

Today I saw this when I stepped on the scale...I actually stepped on twice because I didn't believe it...

This means just over 10% weight loss since January 2nd. It is an amazing and scary feeling. I started this journey on 1/2/12 at 213 pounds. The heaviest I'd gotten was 220. So really - it is almost 30 pounds since Oct/Nov but I'm going off the 213 from January because that's when I started WW...though I am most certainly still keeping the 220 number in my head - hoping to never get there again - unless I'm pregnant with twins ;-)

The most recent hangup for me has been a thought process I think I've just begun to come to terms with this week. I don't want to go back. Going back, to me, means getting diabetes. Sure, I still am at risk, but I'm really hoping all these changes I've been making will help me NOT get to diabetes. And if I get it, I get it, but I am doing almost everything in my power not too.

I must have really stopped believing in myself last summer/fall. Turns out, I gave away ALL of my old size 14/16 pants and shirts...and even my size 12 favorite-of-all-time goal pants. I KNOW that I didn't think I could do it and the last few days since I realized they were gone - it's been hard to not get down on myself. I did get down on myself. Like, I woke up in the middle of the nights thinking about the clothes. They were just clothes but they were more to me. They were those old pictures, the weight I was then, the memories, everything. It's tough to let go of the fact that I won't be in them again - especially when I hadn't even remembered giving them away... That's how much I wasn't paying attention to me. And my hubby made a great point - now I get to find new favorite pants and I'm excited for that - but it just isn't the same. But I need to get these thoughts out of my head!! I just remembered but last weekend I went to Coldwater Creek and returned a pair of size 18 pants I'd just bought a few months back because they were WAY too big {Don't worry - I am saving one pair of size 18's for future photo purposes}. They didn't have a 16 but damn if I didn't get those 14s to zip. Now, I can't sit down in them but I bet in a month I'll be able too.

I WILL continue to look at the positives. I WILL start to love myself more than I ever have. I WILL BELIEVE!!!

Fingers crossed.

PS. Is it totally weird to be excited for measurement with my personal trainer today?!?! Because I AM!!!