{30 thoughts} full of frustration

A few weeks ago I tweaked my shoulder at work. I can't go into any more detail than that but let's just say I am not happy about it. For a week I kind of ignored it and thought it would get better. Yes, I did go see my PT but I didn't go see my surgeon. I already had my 4 month appointment with him so I figured I'd just wait until then. That appointment happened 13 days after the injury.

not happy tears at my 4 month check up

My surgeon is pretty certain I didn't injure what I just had surgery on {labrum} but there is some question as to if I injured something else. Only time will tell. I now am back to two times per week PT and we are giving it a month and if it isn't getting we are going back in for an MRI. I doubt I will make it to a month without the MRI...but we will see. I NEED to know. Even if it feels kind of better in the next month I want an MRI.

At this moment in time frustration does not begin to cover my thought process. I do not know what I will do if I have to have another shoulder surgery. The first time I was rather blissful before the recovery but now I know exactly what it entails. OKAY...I cannot think that this. I must hope and envision and dream of a healed shoulder. I must do my exercises. I slacked off when I got hurt because I was just in a terrible mood. I must go to barre3 {with major modifications} because it is the best thing for my soul. Though, it is SO frustrating that before the incident I was doing full barre3 with absolutely no modifications. SIGH.

Regardless of what happens life will go on. Barre3 will be there, my husband will be supportive, and I will get through this obstacle.

Fingers crossed {that I do NOT need another surgery}!!!

23 months later...

Today marks the 23 month mark since my tipping point. 1 month to go until I hit the 2 year mark...check back to the blog frequently...there's going to be a LOT going on this month!!!

I've mentioned it and told the story but I have never, ever {not even on Facebook} shared these pictures! I had to DIG them off of my PC which gets used about 5 times a year.

This is what I made for the party. Butter ridden witches fingers cookies with Oreo cookies crushed at the bottom!

 

Jason and I. I remember the reason I went as a devil was because I could wear regular clothes and just add a few things to do and it would be a costume. I didn't fit into regular costumes, I wouldn't have been comfortable in them! I wore a size 1X black button up shirt with a size 1X red tank top paired with size 18W jeans. I still have this outfit, or at least the pants!

 

 

Sabrina and I.

 

This next picture shocks me!! It's the girth of my body. From the front I got used to how hold or pose my body. The side view is very, very, very unforgiving.

{click on this picture to enlarge it. it will shock you. it made me cry.}

 

Picture this. I'm at a Halloween party with my coworkers. Two of them are talking about how, when they were pregnant, they got around or over 200 pounds. And it wasn't like they were just stating that as a number, there were comments (unknowing of my weight) about how they couldn't imagine being that weight without being pregnant. Now imagine my thoughts as I'm standing there, not pregnant, at what I knew was likely over 200 pounds. It wasn't a good conversation going on in my head. I actually stopped drinking because I knew if I didn't I'd say something I'd regret. I was standing there, amongst my friends, totally self-loathing myself. UG. It was one of the worst feelings in the world. Looking back, that moment, was one of my lowest moments and I didn't want to feel like that anymore. I needed to change. I went home that night, got the scale out from the box under the bed {where it had been in hiding} and stepped on. I wish I'd taken a picture but I know without a shadow of a doubt it said 220 pounds. They know they are part of my journey. They didn't know for a while but at the one year mark I wrote them thank you notes because I am thankful.

 

Danielle and I

 

She's one of the two reasons I had this tipping point of mine. Afterwards she has been one of my biggest supporters. She convinced me I could do the Spartan Race (which I had to skip because of shoulder surgery), she brought me new foods to try & was always willing to be a workout buddy - even when my pace was much slower than hers! I am so appreciative of her friendship!

 

That day seems like so long ago but I remember every detail of it like it was yesterday. I think I would have eventually had tipping point. I mean, you'd think I'd have had to. We will never know. What I do know is that I am thankful for this day.

 

I am thankful for the courage, strength, knowledge, body acceptance, friends, opportunities, skills, body, inspirations, tears, chances, and life this night has given to me.

 

When I've told my story, especially to people that I know are likely struggling with weight themselves, I try to remember how I felt. I have told this story to many people and it is my sincere hope that I have not hurt any of their feelings...yet sparked something inside of them. I know weight isn't an easy thing to talk about and people have to be ready, most of the time. I've been told a few times that that is indeed the case, it's the other times I'm not as sure as!

 

Fingers crossed {that I can be some one's inspiration}!!!

One foot in front of the other...

... All the way to the top!





There's been many times in my life where I've started a diet or a lifestyle change and not followed through. This time though I knew I had to! It really was about seeing those numbers, seeing the pictures and how I was feeling. 20 months ago I couldn't even walk up a flight of stairs without having to stop at the top and catch my breath. When I would try to run a mile I would have to stop for five times because I couldn't do it.

Last month I went on one of the most challenging hikes I've ever been on, with my best friend. We hiked Silverstar Mountain in Washington State. Funny part of the story, neither of us had really ever planned a day hike before. We'd always gone with our families who did the planning. We set up on our adventure to do what we thought was a 4 mile round-trip hike. Turns out that wasn't the parking lot that we ended up in... After hiking about 2 miles, which should've been the halfway/turn around point, we realize we had quite a while to go! My first thought was that there was no way I could do it. That's what I was used to thinking about myself.





At that 2 mile mark was also about when we hit the snow, which we were most definitely not expecting! After looking through the guidebook we realized the end of our hike was still over 2 miles away... you can see the trail we ended up following on the far hill to the left of that big pine tree. It was about this time that a big church group had caught up to us. There was about 20 of them and they were all around our age. We actually ended up pretty much joining their group which was a nice distraction.





All said, we hiked over 5 miles in the snow! It was during the snow walking that I really had to do a lot of self talk. My brain really wanted to give up for some reason but I knew my body was really able to handle it. I didn't want to give up because my best friend was with me and I didn't want to disappoint her, I didn't want to give up because I knew I would be proud when I made it to the top and back down. I wanted to see the view! I kept telling myself that my body was Barre3 strong. I have never been so proud of myself as to when I stepped on the summit of that mountain.





At the summit of Silverstar Mountain!




Bree and I With a few gorgeous mountains in the background!
Left to right: Mount Saint Helens, Mt. Rainier, Mt. Adams.












Thinking about a multitude of things. I remember thinking how astonishingly gorgeous it was and that if I had never lost this weight I probably would've never been at the top. When we were at the top of that Summit you could see five mountains of the Cascade Range. There was barely a cloud in the sky, it was a perfect day, and I proved to myself that I could do this. I quietly, and without anyone noticing, shed a couple of tears. I was just overwhelmed with the beauty, myself, and my friends determination and support to get me to the top of that mountain. Bree stopped with me every time I needed to stop, I knew that she truly was not judging me, and even over longlegs probably could've gone twice as fast she always let me keep the pace. I feel so fortunate to have a friend like her, not only because of this hike but in so many aspects of life she's been such a great support over the last 19 1/2 years. I hope that everyone who's going through any kind of struggle has a Bree in their life. Bree's been through a lot recently and I hope that I've been as much of a support to her as she has been to me!




Of course, once you go up you must go back down. The way down was almost more tough than the way up because we knew how far we had to go and it's really hard to walk downhill in the snow! There wasn't as much talking on the way down as on the way up and I don't really know why that is but I was okay with it. About halfway down my knees really started to hurt. Bree stuck at my slow, slow pace, even teaching me how to zigzag back and forth across the trail instead of just going straight down.

We were about 100 yards from the parking lot, Bree had literally just said "I can see the car" and I twisted my ankle! Unfortunately it wasn't on the same leg as my hurt me so I really just hobbled the rest of the way down. When I got home this is what happened...




You know what I love most about this picture, the smile on my face. I had just walked almost 10 miles, through snow and in pain. But I had done it.





Finger crossed {that once my shoulder heals we'll be back out hiking}...

going crazy over clothes...

I've never been one of those people who has enjoyed shopping. If I go to the mall I want to have a purpose, a list, and a time frame. I suspect part of the reason I haven't liked shopping is because for ever {and still a bit today} have hated putting on clothes. Over the years I have found various articles of clothing that have been my "go to" items/stores...but that is all starting to change and I don't know what to do.

Well, today I had a good cry over it. That's right. It's overwhelming. This whole process is overwhelming. It's exciting but it's WAY more overwhelming than exciting. It's also expensive. Really, really expensive. Especially since before the weight loss there were so few places I could fit in while still looking nice.

I know I will be able to find a lot more variety of clothes now but the one of the things that made me have my little breakdown today... bras. UG. Without going into too much detail I hate under wire and have, for the past decade, worn a no-wire bra from Lane Bryant. It is perfect. But...is doesn't fit anymore. And it feels debilitating. Shopping for jeans and shirts is getting easier but this - this is something I didn't see coming.

I was also overwhelmed because my favorite store {where I spend a TON of money} wasn't very awesome with their return policy today. And it really hurt my feelings and changed what I had expected to happen today {which always throws me off}. The jeans I was going to exchange they wouldn't take back because it had been 4 months. Well, I tell you, that same store has taken things back that are 9+ months old! I was so mad I just left all the clothes I was going to get on the counter and walked away before I said or did anything I'd regret. I'm going to go back next weekend and make sure not to get the same lady as today. I'd really like to exchange the jeans but on the drive home I realized it was silly to want to return a few of the other items I'd bought 6 - 9+ months ago. It would be nice to have that money to spend but I suppose it isn't worth the hassle. I will try to consign them and get some money out of it.

And the brighter side of doing that is that is that someone else will get the chance to wear clothes that no longer fit me but are still nice. And I'll get a little money out of the deal. That's brighter than if it just got shipped back to the company and destroyed.

Fingers crossed {that I can find a new type of bra to wear. And hopefully find it without tears}.

this week i've fallen...

 

...off every bandwagon I've been on for the past {almost} year. And I can't seem to get back on.

I can see when it started. As weird as it is, it was right around the time of the barre3 challenge. I was worried about this before I went in, that this would happen. It was too much info and trying to change too much at once. I've gotten here, to where I am now, by taking it slow and making small, conscious decisions. And I tried to change that and now I am just off.

Like, I've been sneaking spoon fulls of brown sugar - off. Eating Chex cereal dry, out of the box, by the handfuls. Last night I had baked peaches with ice cream AND popcorn. UG.

When I signed up for the challenge I figured it was just about exercising and a bit more mybarre3. Well, it was A LOT about food. Food is my nemesis. It is my weakness. It is my devil. My brain does not do well with being told "what to eat". Now, I have to say...this isn't wasn't the plan was intended to do and I know that...but this is how MY brain took it. It went into OVERDRIVE and I made lists and bought all this stuff I'd never even heard of. And then I froze. I stopped. I stopped paying attention to myself. I stopped exercising. I stopped doing my mybarre3 workouts. I stopped caring - I guess.

 

This weekend I haven't really been tempted to give up, but I have temporarily given up on myself. I hope this is my breakthrough. I feel like utter shit right now. I know the decisions I have made the past few days are going to show up on that scale. And then I think I am going to feel worse.

 

So...my new plan is to get back on my old plan. Back to doing what I had been doing to lose 49.2 pounds in 40something weeks. I'm going to try to make each of the recipies for the mybarre3 challenge in the month of October. I'm going to keep their guide and start learning more about reading labels. I'm going to invest in more whole foods than I have already been doing.

 

 

I am going to let this setback week stregthen me.

 

***1 hour later***

When I am at home I STRUGGLE to make myself exercise. I find everything else in the world to do - except exercise. It's not even working out at home - it's working out by myself. There is a VERY good reason I pay people a crazy amount of money to make me workout. I am totally a "village" type of person. I need people to know what I am doing, I need attention, I need to feel like I am in a place where people are watching me so I better do my best.

That's one of the reasons I fell off the wagon. I tried to workout at home. I knew it wasn't going to work, it never has. I even posted on Facebook that it wasn't working... And that's how you know something is real...if it's on Facebook ;-)

At this stage in my weight loss/change/game I NEED my trainer, I need my barre3 studio, I need my newest place {FloresFitness} and their TRX classes. While I don't need/want to spend a lot {really, a LOT} on it, I HAVE to. It's just how I am and I need to accept that. Maybe someday it will change but for now - I need my people!!!

Back to classes I go. Wallet in hand.

Fingers crossed.

 

a little break down...

I am overwhelmed.

I hate insulin resistance. I want it to go away. I don't want it to be here. Everything I've ever loved is now what I need to avoid. For a few weeks now I've been doing this "Well I'll just eat less of them" but in reality I need to be eating none. Like, none.

Bad carbs are everything white and processed. Basically 80% or more of my pantry. I was at the grocery store today and I realized I used to eat rice-a-roni and baked potatoes multiple times a week, sometimes on the same day! Man, I just didn't realize I was starting to kill myself.

I think this quote is perfect for this post because I do not think I can be strong when it comes to eliminating these foods from my diet. I mean - how in the hell is that going to work eating out, at my 3 day country music festival in the middle of a dirt field, when I go to people's houses for dinner, on an air plane?!?!?! {Insert worry wart here}
I know the logical explanation - I will get used to it and I will make it happen but this is going to be really hard.

**I wrote the above words 2 days ago and I haven't really changed my feelings. After a few small break downs I'm still not sure where to go. I have to change, that I know. But it is hard to think about "quitting" all the things I love. Jason and many of my family & friends say it is all about moderation but some of it has to be about what I eat.

I am meeting with a nutritionist tomorrow. While she is not a dietitians I'm hoping she can help me understand what insulin resistance is. I am also meeting up for dinner with an old friend, my old tennis doubles partner to be exact, who had Type 1 diabetes and has for her whole life. I'm hoping that reconnecting with her {which we actually did before all of this} that she will be a help and a part of my team.

I do have a very good team though. Supportive husband, amazing parents, wonderful friends and some pretty awesome co-workers.

Hopefully this is one of my last pity parties for a while...

Fingers crossed.

tomorrow...

...the end of the beginning is here.

or

...the beginning of the rest of forever is here.

Either way, tomorrow is a big day.

At 12noon I will be having a one hour test at OHSU. My wonderful husband will be accompanying me. He actually works not too far from there so I'll pick him up at work, go to OHSU, and then drop him back off. It should work nicely.

The test I am having is called a "Cortrosyn Stimulation Test". The test is to find out how adrenal glands respond properly to a hormone from the pituitary gland. They will put an IV in my ARM, my ARM....ug, this is why the hubby get to come :) Okay, once they put the IV in my arm they will draw my blood at 0, 30 and 60 minutes to see how my body reacts to a synthetic pituitary hormone {called adrenoncorticotropic hormone} they will put in the IV.

I have an IV's in my life but not in my memory. Though I hate needles I'd like to say I am getting better at dealing with them...that is, until the next time I get a shitty nurse - then the fear will be back with avengance.

Here's to hoping I don't faint and the test results come back quickly.

This test will be to rule in or out something called Late-Onset Congenital Adreanal Hyperplasia. If the test shows I have L-O CAH then that is what I will have. If it doesn't, then I'll have PCOS. It's like I either get a shitty {PCOS} or a really shitty {L-O CAH} diagnosis.

{I'd say sorry for the language but I'm kind of not. It's kind of how I'm feeling}.

I haven't done any reading besides from the above link ~ if it is or isn't what I have - I'm not ready for it yet. Honestly I'm not ready for any of this but this what who I am and what I have... The scariest thing about the possibe Late-Onset CAH is, IF I have it, is pasing it on especially if we have a boy. Even PCOS they believe to be genetic which is tough. It's really tough to think about now that I know, what do I do about it? Kids? Adopt? No kids?

I know I need to wait to think about all of this...but I can't help it. I just can't. And I'm kind of over people telling me "well you are still young" or "there is time" or anything along those lines. It doesn't make me mad but man, it just sucks to hear!! It is true, I am only a few weeks away from turning 29 but this ISN'T fun to deal with no matter if it was 15, 30, 40...any age. I've had all this my whole life it is just now coming to light. I've known for a L O N G time that this wasn't going to easy but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

ALSO ~ Tomorrow I am starting my new medicine, Metformin. Wish me {and everyone around me} luck with that one... I'm waiting until tomorrow because my Endo said to wait until after this last test was done. I'm hoping I'll be in the camp where Metformin helps and doesn't have nasty side affects. More on that later.

Fingers crossed.

during the storm...

...I saw a rainbow.

Today was the last day of the current round of tests to "put the pieces of the piuzzle" together. I had my ultrasound. So once I get the results from this and the glucose & blood work we'll go from there.

I've been feeling happy a lot this week. More often than not - which is a good change of pace.
And then - as I'm walking out of the ultrasound and realizing this is the "end" of this stage it is raining and sunny...and you know what rain + sun equals...

Outside the door of the hospital.

 

It was a half-arc rainbow but I couldn't get it all in one shot.

I drove across the street to give it a better look.

As I sat and looked at the rainbow tears just started coming. I couldn't stop them. I wasn't like bawling but I was certainly emotional. It wasn't for very long and I'm not even sure what it was for. Maybe for the fact that the inital testing is over. Maybe because I'm scared of what all the tests will say. There are so many options of what it could have been. Though I think, it was all of it. The unknown, the despair, the desire, the hurt, the love {I feel from my family & friends}, and the thought of what is to come.

Then I went and spent time with my AMAZING parents. Love them.

Fingers crossed.