don't buy....

...the kind of candy you like. So I didn't. I bought 4 kinds of candy - 3 of which I do not like. The one I do like doesn't have chocolate in it. I might be one of the few women ever who don't like chocolate. Well, I only like it if it is paired with peanut butter :)

Fingers crossed {that I don't eat all of the candy I like}...

It's HERE!!!!

I have reached the 50 pound weight loss milestone! I feel shocked, amazed, thankful, grateful, gracious and probably lots of other adjectives that I can't think of right now... I almost jumped up and down on the scale I was so happy but then I realized it was glass! I definitely shed a tear or two ;-)

I really can't quite describe what this means to me. The last 10 pounds have been a struggle to get off. They didn't melt off like the first 40. I know...rough...but it's true. But, I feel proudest about these 10 pounds. I cheated and I stumbled but I obviously worked my ass off too.

I know the person on the left was me but I don't feel like I know her anymore. But at the same time part of me is so afraid I'll slip back into all of that. But the other part of me knows how happy and healthy I am now. I'm one year into this journey, as of yesterday. My "tipping point" was at a Halloween party on 10/29/11 when two of my friends inadvertently shoved my weight in my face. I had been ignoring how overweight I was and was spiraling out of control.

That day changed it all. I chose my hard...I chose the road less traveled. The path my doctors are even shocked I took. I chose to figure it out now - instead of later.

I choose health. That's my hard.

Fingers crossed {but maybe not because this life of mine is changing}...

And I couldn't be happier!!!

this week i've fallen...

 

...off every bandwagon I've been on for the past {almost} year. And I can't seem to get back on.

I can see when it started. As weird as it is, it was right around the time of the barre3 challenge. I was worried about this before I went in, that this would happen. It was too much info and trying to change too much at once. I've gotten here, to where I am now, by taking it slow and making small, conscious decisions. And I tried to change that and now I am just off.

Like, I've been sneaking spoon fulls of brown sugar - off. Eating Chex cereal dry, out of the box, by the handfuls. Last night I had baked peaches with ice cream AND popcorn. UG.

When I signed up for the challenge I figured it was just about exercising and a bit more mybarre3. Well, it was A LOT about food. Food is my nemesis. It is my weakness. It is my devil. My brain does not do well with being told "what to eat". Now, I have to say...this isn't wasn't the plan was intended to do and I know that...but this is how MY brain took it. It went into OVERDRIVE and I made lists and bought all this stuff I'd never even heard of. And then I froze. I stopped. I stopped paying attention to myself. I stopped exercising. I stopped doing my mybarre3 workouts. I stopped caring - I guess.

 

This weekend I haven't really been tempted to give up, but I have temporarily given up on myself. I hope this is my breakthrough. I feel like utter shit right now. I know the decisions I have made the past few days are going to show up on that scale. And then I think I am going to feel worse.

 

So...my new plan is to get back on my old plan. Back to doing what I had been doing to lose 49.2 pounds in 40something weeks. I'm going to try to make each of the recipies for the mybarre3 challenge in the month of October. I'm going to keep their guide and start learning more about reading labels. I'm going to invest in more whole foods than I have already been doing.

 

 

I am going to let this setback week stregthen me.

 

***1 hour later***

When I am at home I STRUGGLE to make myself exercise. I find everything else in the world to do - except exercise. It's not even working out at home - it's working out by myself. There is a VERY good reason I pay people a crazy amount of money to make me workout. I am totally a "village" type of person. I need people to know what I am doing, I need attention, I need to feel like I am in a place where people are watching me so I better do my best.

That's one of the reasons I fell off the wagon. I tried to workout at home. I knew it wasn't going to work, it never has. I even posted on Facebook that it wasn't working... And that's how you know something is real...if it's on Facebook ;-)

At this stage in my weight loss/change/game I NEED my trainer, I need my barre3 studio, I need my newest place {FloresFitness} and their TRX classes. While I don't need/want to spend a lot {really, a LOT} on it, I HAVE to. It's just how I am and I need to accept that. Maybe someday it will change but for now - I need my people!!!

Back to classes I go. Wallet in hand.

Fingers crossed.