Monday, March 12, 2012

-5 more lbs AND under 200lbs!!!

That's down 16 total pounds since starting WW in January and 23 since the beginning of the school year when I was at 220. DAMN it feels good!!!!!

This morning was a good weight in morning. Thanks, mostly, to this ultra-fabulous sinus infection I have.

At the bottom it does say that I'm losing weight too fast...but I know it was the sickness that helped me this week. Also, on 2/20 I started the Metformin which is the drug that is helping my body process carbs regularly. That was the last green dot on the graph. Every week since then, I have lost 2 or more pounds. I'd certainly like to think that is more than a coincidence.

I heart this visual :)

It feels SSSOOO good to be under 200 for the first time in, oh, who knows. Probably a year!!! And...I have not worn these pants in almost a year and today...

I did!!! Super pumped because I have lots of clothes that have been sitting at the top of my closet just waiting to be re-worn.

I know there will be a time when it plateau's and things get hard (but really, like it isn't already hard!!!) and it won't be this exciting so I'm going to revel in it and enjoy this ride.

On one of my other blogs I've started a "30 before 30" which is 30 things I want to do before I turn 30 - which is in 369 days! 10 of the things are "good for the body" and one of them is to workout for 30 minutes, 4 days per week which equals out to 204 days. Geesh.... A feat that I've only been able to do for a few weeks but I AM WORTH IT!!!!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

if it isn't one thing...'s another.

I took a sick day today and headed to Ear, Nose & Throat for a confirmation of what I already knew - I have another sinus infection. Joyus. Just want I want to deal with. But I wanted to get ahead of it because we are going to Kauai in 22 days and I DO.NOT want to be sick in Hawaii. Plus my birthday {the big 2 - 9} is next on to Augmentin I go. 10 days of fun. And because I've been sick I haven't been working out and I can definitely tell a difference about how I feel both physically and how I feel about myself - I feel guilty for not going but I just don't want to push myself, right now, because I don't want to break. And these days, I feel like I'm always on the verge of a breakdown.

On an IR related note, I met with a woman who is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner which is basically like a nutritionist/natural remedy type person.

Originally I wanted to do this "all natural" but I think I wasn't ready to put the energy and research and whatnot into it so I just started taking Metformin for the IR. I'm not still not opposed to doing it the natural way but I want to do more research and meet more people. My "health coach" {we'll just call her that for simplicity's sake} has a few people she will recommend me too.

From the jist that I got from meeting with her today is she will work on the food side of it ~ which is where my major anxiety and worry and fears are currently. She is mighty expensive but I know she cares and she's actually personal friends with my massage therapist and my chiropractor, which somehow makes me feel better.

She said she dives deep to discover the reasons we eat food and why our bodies crave different kinds of food. I kept saying "well I have this" or "I have that" and she kept telling me "You are Annie and this is the battle you are fighting right now" and that this doesn't have to define me. There were many times I almost broke down and if we hadn't been at a Starbuck's I probably would have. I was already feeling so deflated by he sinus infection, by the fact that I let myself down and ate some mac & cheese today, that I am negative, that I haven't done my homework...the list could go on!!! She could tell at points I was getting emotional and she said that meant I was ready and I am ready. I'm scared shitless but I am ready. I have to make this change for me, my husband, my {hopefully} future family. I need to make this change so that I don't get diabetes, so that I feel better about myself, and so that I am healthy.

It is time to make the change - no matter the cost, the amount of tears, the demons within myself that I will be facing {and trust me, there are a lot of them}.

I am so thankful to have wonderful family and friends during this time in my life. I need them now, probably more than I ever have. It's going to be a long struggle and I am bound to fall off the horse but I hope by surrounding myself with a professional team and my home team that it will be "as easy as it can". I need to learn to trust myself, love myself, and become who I am to be for the rest of my life.

Fingers crossed.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

a little break down...

I am overwhelmed.

I hate insulin resistance. I want it to go away. I don't want it to be here. Everything I've ever loved is now what I need to avoid. For a few weeks now I've been doing this "Well I'll just eat less of them" but in reality I need to be eating none. Like, none.

Bad carbs are everything white and processed. Basically 80% or more of my pantry. I was at the grocery store today and I realized I used to eat rice-a-roni and baked potatoes multiple times a week, sometimes on the same day! Man, I just didn't realize I was starting to kill myself.

I think this quote is perfect for this post because I do not think I can be strong when it comes to eliminating these foods from my diet. I mean - how in the hell is that going to work eating out, at my 3 day country music festival in the middle of a dirt field, when I go to people's houses for dinner, on an air plane?!?!?! {Insert worry wart here}
I know the logical explanation - I will get used to it and I will make it happen but this is going to be really hard.

**I wrote the above words 2 days ago and I haven't really changed my feelings. After a few small break downs I'm still not sure where to go. I have to change, that I know. But it is hard to think about "quitting" all the things I love. Jason and many of my family & friends say it is all about moderation but some of it has to be about what I eat.

I am meeting with a nutritionist tomorrow. While she is not a dietitians I'm hoping she can help me understand what insulin resistance is. I am also meeting up for dinner with an old friend, my old tennis doubles partner to be exact, who had Type 1 diabetes and has for her whole life. I'm hoping that reconnecting with her {which we actually did before all of this} that she will be a help and a part of my team.

I do have a very good team though. Supportive husband, amazing parents, wonderful friends and some pretty awesome co-workers.

Hopefully this is one of my last pity parties for a while...

Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

walking around the block...


I live in the house where that little A is, on A Street as a matter of fact. I don't always feel like driving to the gym on the weekends which is about 10 or so miles from my house. Though as I'm typing this I realized that I was next door to my gym at Kohl's on Sunday...haha.
Anyways, a few weeks ago I had the thought that if I knew how far I was walking I might be more apt to do it. So I jumped into my Jeep and did a little odometer reading of this city block. So from my house going west, turn right onto 32nd, and then left onto B continuing around in a rectangle. The whole big rectangle is .9 miles around.

I figure on Sunday I did about 2 1/2 laps. On the first lap I took a short cut through the middle of the rectangle because one of my friends/coworkers was in the dog park parking lot and I wanted to say HI. It took me 39 minutes {yes, I timed myself}. I ran maybe 3/4 of a mile. See, on one of my other blogs {the family one}, I have this thing going called 30 before 30. One of my tasks I want to run a 5K before I turn 30 on March 16, 2013! I figure this is a good place to start "training" because I'll never be more than a half mile from home, you know, in case I need to crawl back there!! I also really like this walking/running/training route because it is in a very high traffic - safety first!

What type of AT HOME GYM activities do you do? DVDs? P90X? Wii or Kinect? Walking? I'd love to hear your ideas!!

Here's to hoping my walking streak turns into a running streak...

Fingers crossed.

Monday, March 5, 2012

- 5% goal!!!

Um, I was kind of shocked when this little message popped up on my phone after my weight in this morning!! First I was shocked that I've lost 2 pounds this week {after a trip to Burgerville and some girl scout cookies this weekend} and second I was shocked that I hit the 5% mark. I hadn't really been paying attention to the percentages but I'm happy none-the-less. And I an S.U.P.E.R. excited to be nearing the under 200lb goal of mine!! Maybe next week?!?! :)

On the bottom of the picture it says something about I'm losing weight to fast - but I really think it is because of the Metformin and the fact that I am eating significantly less carbs than ever before. Sure, I still eat them but they used to take up a huge chunk of my diet and now they are like a treat or a side and the veggies and protein's are the main focus. And it's only going to get better from here as I figure all this IR stuff out!!!

Speaking of Metformin, things have been going wonderfully. The first 3 - 4 days were pretty crappy. Two weekends ago I barely left the house I felt so sick. I had a personal training session a week ago today and there were many times during it I felt that I was going to pass our or puke or something and I was BURNING up. But I am happy to report those side affects are almost all gone. I still take it at night with a hearty meal but between that and the 50,000 IU of Vitamin D I take once a week I am feeling better than I have in a very, very, very long time.

So far so good.

Fingers crossed.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

hey mr. postman...

....hurry and bring me my books!!!

I can't wait for them to get here on Wednesday so I can start reading :-)

So I'm a horribly slightly obsessive. There, I said it, kind of. Okay, I am totally obsessive. If I think of something I usually figure out a way to find out about it or have it ASAP. This PCOS is no exception. I think that's part of my fear. I also tend to give up on myself fairly quickly, which adds another layer to the fear.

In thinking about the insulin resistance part of all of this I'm nervous because I already don't like to cook but I'm thinking I need to change my mind set on that. All of the books that I purchased above are in whole or in part related to an {IR} insulin resistant diet. I'm timidly excited about learning about new foods that are good for me, which foods I like that I can continue to eat, and which foods I need to slowly take out of my weekly diet. I think the hardest thing is going to be when we go out or go elsewhere...Thankfully in one of those books there is a chapter on eating out!!

In thinking about the PCOS part of my life it makes me so super nervous. Sure, I've started taking the Metformin but that is the help with the IR. I'm not ready for the other {ie. infertility} drugs. In fact, I am thinking that I really might go back on BC through the summer to get the IR back in control. I know going back on BC seems counter productive to having a baby but I think I need to focus on myself, my health, and my body for now. For some reason over this last week I've felt very strongly about it. Maybe it is the losing 10 pounds and thinking about how much more I want to lose. In relation to that if I did get pregnant now I don't even want to think about what I'd weight. UG. Talk about depressing.

It's kind of funny to think that, what I've wanting and been trying for 1.5 years is now something I don't want at this time in my life. Well, I want it but I want to be centered first. I NEED to be centered first. At least I think I do. I don't know and chances are it'll take a few paths to get there ~ where ever there may be.

Fingers crossed {that happiness lies ahead}.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

and the results are in...

I have PCOS. It is official. I got a letter today in the mail that said {and I quote}...

You do not have late onset CAH. The most conclusive diagnosis is PCOS.

It feels good to know. Now I know what books to buy, what websites to read, and what things to focus on. I still also have Insulin Resistance which is linked but separate to PCOS. Confusing right? ...tell me about it.

There is so much going through my head. I am glad it is not the worse of the two options. I really, really am. There is still lots to think about in regards to PCOS but not nearly as much as if it had been LO CAH.
I don't know what our next step will be. Right now I feel that it should be to get the IR under control, lose more weight, and learn more about this syndrome that I will be battling for the rest of my life. Pregnancy isn't really the number one thing I want anymore, at least right now. I mean, if I got pregnant that would be amazing but I really want to get my head wrapped around everything else.
I just filled out some paperwork to meet with a nutritionist that is also a local yoga instructor. While I don't know if I will work with her regularly {$150 a session is quite a lot} her initial session is free and I can at least get a grasp of what IR is and foods to start watching out for - either good or bad. I'm still also going to explore the options of dieticians through my insurance...we shall see.

Let the fight begin.

Fingers crossed.

Friday, March 2, 2012

{still} waiting...

I am super beyond frustrated tonight and even then those words don't do what I am really feeling justice. Like I said yesterday I had called OHSU yesterday to see if my results had even gotten back. Turns out they were in on Tuesday but the lady that assured me that she'd send the results to my Endo ASAP - did not. Simply put.

I figured that out when I called my Endo this morning and they hadn't gotten anything and I think she could tell I was really frustrated {probably because my voice cracked a bit because I was about to lose it} and assured me that there is a note on my chart to call me ASAP. I'm kind of over being assured things - I just want them to get done!! So then I called OHSU back and that's when she told me she'd had my results but hadn't faxed them over. WHAT THE HELL?? I mean, I know I don't always do things the exact day I get them - but that's like paperwork or making a copy for something - not life changing and potentially earth shattering medical information!!!

Needless to say I'm not sure I was in the most cheerful of moods at the end of the day. Then I started running a bunch of errands and was later than I would have liked getting to my parents house. That is where the above quote comes in. While today was not a good day because I didn't get my results that I so badly want ~ I did get to spend some fun time with my family, family friends & coworkers ~ all of which were very nice.

I went and had dinner with my parents and some family friends who have a 5, 2, and 3 month old. It was SO much fun, but I will admit it was hard too. My Dad LOVES babies and kids. We call him the baby hog because if there is a baby around he will hog it. At dinner tonight he even gobbled down his food so he could hold the baby. Then we started playing in the fort that my Dad and the girls had constructed before I even got there. And the whole time we were eating, talking and playing all I could think was it's supposed to be MY kids he is playing with!!! I hope that someday it will be but it was strange mix of sad and happy. So strange that I don't even know if it I could do myself justice by trying to explain it.

Well, here's to another weekend full of worry and a guarantee that I'll be calling the doctor first thing Monday morning to make really sure they know I want the results!!!

Fingers crossed.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

i heart waiting {not}...

This quote is so true and so not true at the same time.

The questions and tests I've been through and have been complicated and yes, the answer will be simple. It will either be PCOS or L-O CAH. That much is simple, and that is where the simplicity ends.

Though I suppose then that is where another set of questions begins and I'm not sure those answers are simple. I've been trying not to dwell on what I do not yet know but it has been hard. Like, really hard. I am totally a worst case scenario type of person. It's not something I love about myself...

I called OHSU today to see if they'd even gotten the results back from where ever they had to be sent to. I haven't heard back from her and I hope to tomorrow. Sharon at OHSU was always pretty quick at returning calls. I might also just give in and call my Endo. I don't want to be a bother but I really want to know. I want to know before the weekend so, if I need it, I can use it to process. Since this will be the "result of all results" I might need more time to cope than I did last time.

Though I feel like this time around I am prepared for news. I think my first breakdown was after I found about that I have great insurance - for everything except infertility. When I found out about the PCOS/IR/more testing I didn't initally have a breakdown. I was kind of waiting for it but it came in little spurts over many weeks, hitting me at some of the most random times. It quickly turned from fear and worry to empowerment and worry.

I'm ready for the news and to start the newest {read: toughest, scariest, craziest, worrisome, semi-conclusive, } part of my with some sort of endocrine syndrome. Well, make that 2 endocrine systems. One is Insulin Resistance and one is...well, hopefully we'll know tomorrow.

Fingers crossed.