it is {almost} unbelieveable...

Every few weeks or so I get my measurements done by my personal trainer!! It is a super awesome way to see the results...see below for the proof!!!

The two I am continuously most proud of are the waist and hip measurements. They are, by far, the most noticeable!!! I'm done 6.75 inches in my waist and 6.25 inches in my hips. It is, to me, crazy. I mean...wow. Just think about that. I don't go off these weights because they are almost always in the evenings and I'm clothed with shoes on...but On my weight loss journey I have lost 33.3 pounds since last October. I've decided to switch to calculating by the 220lb number because that was my heaviest and where I started this journey from...crazy. Just crazy.

The first quote I really put up there because PCOS has so many odds stacked against it and since I have PCOS, that means that I do too. But, I am determined to "overcome" them. PCOS is never.ever.ever going to go away. I have had it forever and I will have it forever. I am doing things like ~ losing weight, eating healthy, washing my hair with sulfate free shampoo {to control the oil}, educating myself as to what PCOS and IR really are and many more things.

It's been 2 weeks shy of 5 months since I went in to the endocrinologist and 2 weeks sky of 6 months since I started working out with Amanda. These have been the most telling, trying, tearful, and terrific months of my life. And for that, I am greatful.

if it isn't one thing...

...it's another.

I took a sick day today and headed to Ear, Nose & Throat for a confirmation of what I already knew - I have another sinus infection. Joyus. Just want I want to deal with. But I wanted to get ahead of it because we are going to Kauai in 22 days and I DO.NOT want to be sick in Hawaii. Plus my birthday {the big 2 - 9} is next Friday....so on to Augmentin I go. 10 days of fun. And because I've been sick I haven't been working out and I can definitely tell a difference about how I feel both physically and how I feel about myself - I feel guilty for not going but I just don't want to push myself, right now, because I don't want to break. And these days, I feel like I'm always on the verge of a breakdown.

On an IR related note, I met with a woman who is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner which is basically like a nutritionist/natural remedy type person.

Originally I wanted to do this "all natural" but I think I wasn't ready to put the energy and research and whatnot into it so I just started taking Metformin for the IR. I'm not still not opposed to doing it the natural way but I want to do more research and meet more people. My "health coach" {we'll just call her that for simplicity's sake} has a few people she will recommend me too.

From the jist that I got from meeting with her today is she will work on the food side of it ~ which is where my major anxiety and worry and fears are currently. She is mighty expensive but I know she cares and she's actually personal friends with my massage therapist and my chiropractor, which somehow makes me feel better.

She said she dives deep to discover the reasons we eat food and why our bodies crave different kinds of food. I kept saying "well I have this" or "I have that" and she kept telling me "You are Annie and this is the battle you are fighting right now" and that this doesn't have to define me. There were many times I almost broke down and if we hadn't been at a Starbuck's I probably would have. I was already feeling so deflated by he sinus infection, by the fact that I let myself down and ate some mac & cheese today, that I am negative, that I haven't done my homework...the list could go on!!! She could tell at points I was getting emotional and she said that meant I was ready and I am ready. I'm scared shitless but I am ready. I have to make this change for me, my husband, my {hopefully} future family. I need to make this change so that I don't get diabetes, so that I feel better about myself, and so that I am healthy.

It is time to make the change - no matter the cost, the amount of tears, the demons within myself that I will be facing {and trust me, there are a lot of them}.

I am so thankful to have wonderful family and friends during this time in my life. I need them now, probably more than I ever have. It's going to be a long struggle and I am bound to fall off the horse but I hope by surrounding myself with a professional team and my home team that it will be "as easy as it can". I need to learn to trust myself, love myself, and become who I am to be for the rest of my life.

Fingers crossed.

a little break down...

I am overwhelmed.

I hate insulin resistance. I want it to go away. I don't want it to be here. Everything I've ever loved is now what I need to avoid. For a few weeks now I've been doing this "Well I'll just eat less of them" but in reality I need to be eating none. Like, none.

Bad carbs are everything white and processed. Basically 80% or more of my pantry. I was at the grocery store today and I realized I used to eat rice-a-roni and baked potatoes multiple times a week, sometimes on the same day! Man, I just didn't realize I was starting to kill myself.

I think this quote is perfect for this post because I do not think I can be strong when it comes to eliminating these foods from my diet. I mean - how in the hell is that going to work eating out, at my 3 day country music festival in the middle of a dirt field, when I go to people's houses for dinner, on an air plane?!?!?! {Insert worry wart here}
I know the logical explanation - I will get used to it and I will make it happen but this is going to be really hard.

**I wrote the above words 2 days ago and I haven't really changed my feelings. After a few small break downs I'm still not sure where to go. I have to change, that I know. But it is hard to think about "quitting" all the things I love. Jason and many of my family & friends say it is all about moderation but some of it has to be about what I eat.

I am meeting with a nutritionist tomorrow. While she is not a dietitians I'm hoping she can help me understand what insulin resistance is. I am also meeting up for dinner with an old friend, my old tennis doubles partner to be exact, who had Type 1 diabetes and has for her whole life. I'm hoping that reconnecting with her {which we actually did before all of this} that she will be a help and a part of my team.

I do have a very good team though. Supportive husband, amazing parents, wonderful friends and some pretty awesome co-workers.

Hopefully this is one of my last pity parties for a while...

Fingers crossed.

- 10 lb goal!!

I am seriously proud of myself. Today I reached 10 pounds lost in 2 months. And to think - I did it while eating almost a whole box of Tagalongs...haha. You think I'm kidding but I'm not. It is not the weight watchers way BUT I did count the points. Those things are dangerous and delicious!!!

Anyways, the feeling of losing 10 pounds has been amazing. Sometimes I think the scale s purposely playing tricks on me, like it isn't real!! My pants feel so much better, my shirts {the 1x ones I had to buy in November} are too lose, and I really just do feel proud!

Now that I've found out I am insulin resistance I'll be slowly changing things up as I learn what is going on within my body. The Metformin has been going pretty good. No horrible side affects. I've been feeling really hot from the inside-out and that was taken to a NEW level while working out with my PT, Amanda, today. There was definitely some points where I was a bit wobbly and like majorly flushed {much more than normal}...but I pushed through and got a good workout in!!

Speaking of good, I had measurements today at PTing. Now I know my weights are different and that is because I weight in for weight watchers at 6am fresh out of the shower and I weight in for PT at 6pm in workout gear and shoes. I'm personally staying with the home scale...the number is lower ;-)

So here is my measurements. This is a BIG deal to put this out there but it is my hope that by doing it I might inspire someone. It's kind of embarrassing that I got to where I got weight and size wise but I know I am not working in the right direction and I have the support of my family and friends.

The waist and the hips are the ones I am most excited about. Minus 3.75 inches from my waist and minus 4 inches from my hips. Also {much to the dismay of my husband} I've lost 2 inches on my bust ;-)

I am so happy. I feel better on the Metformin {except for when I don't - which isn't too often}, I am losing weight, I am getting into a workout routine, I am looking better. It feels nice. Really nice.

We got to Kauai in 32 days and I am going to work really hard to lose 5 more pounds and get below 200 by the time we go!!

Fingers crossed.

the start of Metformin...

 I feel like all I've been doing all week is over-thinking and I'm frankly tired of it, but I just can't help it. And there has been plenty to think about!! School, work, friends, family, THE FUTURE...it's been everything. But, on the brighter side, it is nice to be getting it figured out. Or, at least, getting it all figured out for right now.

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I haven't been talking a lot on here about PCOS, or at least how I've been feeling about PCOS, but something that I'm starting the hands-on battle of today is Insulin Resistance {IR}.
I still really don't know a lot about it but I am learning slowly but surely. My {very basic} understand of IR is that it is a condition where the body does produce insulin but does not use it properly.

Insulin, a hormone made by the pancreas, helps the body use glucose for energy. Glucose is a form of sugar that is the body's main source of energy.

My first step to fighting IR is taking a drug called Metformin. My second step is going to be diet and exercise.

From my {very basic} understanding Metformin is a drug that is designed to help my body treat high blood sugar levels. It will help my pancreas process insulin.

I took it about 2 hours ago and my stomach feels like it is in knots, feels warm but I have yet to get up and try to do stuff so we will see how that goes. It was recommended that I take it in the evening at the beginning of my meal. Tomorrow we are going out to a fancy-pants business dinner so I hope it goes okay then!! Tonight I wanted to have a nice, hearty {but healthy} meal that I knew would soak up lots of the medicine. We made something based off of the bowls from Cafe Yumm!.

As far as the exercise goes I've been working out with my awesome trainer 1 day per week and I even went to the gym after my marathon day yesterday. I was up at 5am {thanks to a noisy hubby & cat}, at work by 6:45 {that's when I usually get up}, worked a full day, went to class from 4 ~ 7 and then went to the gym. I was so proud of myself!!

The diet, that is where I'm getting a little lost!! I need a visual chart about what are "good vs bad carbs" and what I should and shouldn't eat. My mom suggested looking at my local hospitals for support groups and my friend Cari who's a physical therapist and over-all just a smart lady has volunteered to help me start to understand what IR really is. I love my friends and family. I feel like I can never say that enough!!

I know this is a short post but I wanted to let everyone know what is going on. I"m off to bed to hopefully sleep off these side affects that keep sneaking up every minute I sit here...ug.

Fingers crossed.