23 months later...

Today marks the 23 month mark since my tipping point. 1 month to go until I hit the 2 year mark...check back to the blog frequently...there's going to be a LOT going on this month!!!

I've mentioned it and told the story but I have never, ever {not even on Facebook} shared these pictures! I had to DIG them off of my PC which gets used about 5 times a year.

This is what I made for the party. Butter ridden witches fingers cookies with Oreo cookies crushed at the bottom!

 

Jason and I. I remember the reason I went as a devil was because I could wear regular clothes and just add a few things to do and it would be a costume. I didn't fit into regular costumes, I wouldn't have been comfortable in them! I wore a size 1X black button up shirt with a size 1X red tank top paired with size 18W jeans. I still have this outfit, or at least the pants!

 

 

Sabrina and I.

 

This next picture shocks me!! It's the girth of my body. From the front I got used to how hold or pose my body. The side view is very, very, very unforgiving.

{click on this picture to enlarge it. it will shock you. it made me cry.}

 

Picture this. I'm at a Halloween party with my coworkers. Two of them are talking about how, when they were pregnant, they got around or over 200 pounds. And it wasn't like they were just stating that as a number, there were comments (unknowing of my weight) about how they couldn't imagine being that weight without being pregnant. Now imagine my thoughts as I'm standing there, not pregnant, at what I knew was likely over 200 pounds. It wasn't a good conversation going on in my head. I actually stopped drinking because I knew if I didn't I'd say something I'd regret. I was standing there, amongst my friends, totally self-loathing myself. UG. It was one of the worst feelings in the world. Looking back, that moment, was one of my lowest moments and I didn't want to feel like that anymore. I needed to change. I went home that night, got the scale out from the box under the bed {where it had been in hiding} and stepped on. I wish I'd taken a picture but I know without a shadow of a doubt it said 220 pounds. They know they are part of my journey. They didn't know for a while but at the one year mark I wrote them thank you notes because I am thankful.

 

Danielle and I

 

She's one of the two reasons I had this tipping point of mine. Afterwards she has been one of my biggest supporters. She convinced me I could do the Spartan Race (which I had to skip because of shoulder surgery), she brought me new foods to try & was always willing to be a workout buddy - even when my pace was much slower than hers! I am so appreciative of her friendship!

 

That day seems like so long ago but I remember every detail of it like it was yesterday. I think I would have eventually had tipping point. I mean, you'd think I'd have had to. We will never know. What I do know is that I am thankful for this day.

 

I am thankful for the courage, strength, knowledge, body acceptance, friends, opportunities, skills, body, inspirations, tears, chances, and life this night has given to me.

 

When I've told my story, especially to people that I know are likely struggling with weight themselves, I try to remember how I felt. I have told this story to many people and it is my sincere hope that I have not hurt any of their feelings...yet sparked something inside of them. I know weight isn't an easy thing to talk about and people have to be ready, most of the time. I've been told a few times that that is indeed the case, it's the other times I'm not as sure as!

 

Fingers crossed {that I can be some one's inspiration}!!!

over the rainbow...

As this blog title suggests, I love rainbows.

It all started with my Mom. She also loves rainbows.

Rainbows are defined as a phenomenon. They are special, unordinary, and often come when unexpected. Sometimes you just a piece of one, other times you get a full rainbow. If you're really lucky, you'll get a double rainbow!! Someday I hope to see a circular rainbow which are only able to be seen while skydiving {it's on my life list}!

To me, rainbows seems to come at very important days in my life. Here's a few from the last few years {in no particular order}...

Vancouver, WA. 2010

This rainbow I saw after Jason and I were at dinner up by the mall. We had gone out to dinner to discuss the future. We'll leave it at that ;-)

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Oahu, Hawaii. 2007.

 

This was the first vacation Jason had gone on with my family, we were just dating at the time. We had just spent the day with my parents, snorkeling.

 

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Vancouver, WA. January 2011.

 

I saw this rainbow after walking out of the ultrasound to confirm my PCOS. I was already terrified and anxious and sad but then I walked out and saw this tiny part of a rainbow and I felt better.

 

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Washougal, WA. 2013

 

I saw this rainbow on the day I decided to switch schools within my school district.

 

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Portland, OR. June 2013.

 

We saw this gorgeous full rainbow after a dinner where we were celebrating me losing 70 pounds, Jason's job moving to Vancouver, and another future family talk.

 

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Portland, OR. June 2013.

 

I saw this beauty while driving home from a "secret" barre3 meeting. I've been mentoring a group of women for 8 weeks who are new to barre3 and who are following a plan {more to come soon}. I was asked to give them inspiration, tips, and support as they followed the plan. It was SO powerful and so much fun. I even had a few friends in the group so that made it all the better!!!

 

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Rainbows are my peace. I see one and I get giddy, happy, and clam all at once. They make me smile, pull over to take pictures, and crave them even more. I always am on the look out when I see rain & sun...aren't you?!?!

 

Fingers crossed {that there are more rainbows in my future}...

being shown the love...

It is NO secret I love barre3. But, now I know that barre3 loves me!!!

My local barre3 studio gave me a little shout out on Facebook. It made me feel SSSOOO special and there's been a few people who have began talking to me & congratulating me! I love connecting with people so this is amazing!

Not only do I love my local barre3 but I am lucky enough to live pretty close to the barre3 Home Office and the Pearl studio and all the amazing people there! Since I live and love here in the PNW I am lucky enough to have shared my story with some of the "higher ups" at barre3. They loved my story SO much they featured me on their weekly emails and their blog!!! I still feel like someone should pinch me.

I was the poster child {for lack of a better term} for the barre3 Share Your Story contest. While I'm not able to win any of the stellar prizes {Vitamix mixer and free clothes} there is a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR thing in the works that I can't wait to share with you!!!

It was also pretty startling one morning to wake up and see my face smiling from the cover page of the one and only Sadie Lincoln {founder of barre3}!!!

Fingers crossed {that this is just the beginning of a beautiful relationship between barre3 and myself}...

everyone is on a journey...

...and it'd be good for us all to remember that.

Myself included.

I am so guilty of judging others and I trying my hardest not to anymore. It's tough. I see people and thoughts come in to my head and lets face it, it's usually about people's appearances. But I know, in my heart, I need to stop. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me - though I am sure plenty of people have.

Well, something has been happening in my consciousness, especially since I have been going down my path. Everyone does have a struggle. Everyone is somewhere they might not want to be, might not have expected to be, or might not be able to save themselves from.

For a while I've been trying to consciously change my thinking. When I see people that are overweight I wonder if they have an endocrine disorder like I do. When I see someone with acne I wonder if they've tried certain products. When I see homeless people I wonder what path they went down to get where they are - did they lack family support, drugs? I'm trying really hard to describe people by the clothes they were wearing of their hair color or their personalities when explaining a situation to others.

I want to talk, and often do, about what I am going through. It is my hope that by doing that maybe I'll be able to help someone. That's one of the ways my change started, meeting K. Talking about my troubles with my friends led to me finding the right doctors and eventual diagnosis.

This last weekend I met someone who really got me thinking about thinking. I was at a country fest and some friends of our friends had an RV that we ventured down too. This lovely woman had some visible scars on her chest that could have been from a multitude of things. She also had a little service dog. Eventually we got to talking and I asked her what her service dog was for and she went to on explain about multiple car accident's she'd been in and the degenerative arthritis that runs in her family. I shared with her a bit of my history with arthritis and some of the PCOS. We started talking about "invisible illnesses" and how it can be to live with one. She has electrodes inside her body to help manage her back pain because it is so bad she cannot down anything (sit or stand) for longer than 30 minutes in the same place. You'd never know that by her friendly disposition. She was telling me how she often gets weird looks when she is using a motorized cart at a store or getting in or out of her car in a handicapped spot. If you looked at her, she doesn't LOOK hurt. But she is.

It really made me think about how I really want to be as non-judgemental as I can. It takes all types of people to make the word go round. It takes overweight people and hairy people and loud people and people of every color. It takes control freaks and stoners and teachers and athletes. My world isn't going to drastically change (or likely not even be affected) by the way others look or act - especially not people I am passing on the street.

The hardest part for me is when I am around others who constantly judge. Part of me wants to agree but that part that does is getting smaller and smaller. I've started to say things to try to make my people think about what they are saying. Yes - that person is overweight - let's think about how they got there. Maybe they just had a baby? Maybe they have a disorder they don't know about? Maybe they got pregnant at 15, had a baby, and worked at McDonald's to support themselves and their food was free and they gained weight because all they ate at McDonald's? DOES IT REALLY MATTER?!?! It shouldn't but for some it does and for that, I am trying to change myself and others around me.

It is my hope that when people see me they don't judge me by my big breasts or my simple hair or my size or my acne or my overbite. I know they do but I hope they don't.

Fingers crossed {that I can be judged by who I am not what I look like}.

hello...

...my name is Annie and I have PCOS.

I made a new page, which you can find in a tab across the top, where I started beginning to write down dates and events that happened that have left me here - blogging about my life with PCOS. The "my background" page is where you can see the signs I should have seen.

My goal is to be as honest as possible while still remembering that the Internet is an open place. But I have been feeling this STRONG urge to get my story out of my mind and into the world. You, I am sure, will notice over time that I am not a religious person so whenever I talk of feeling urges or pulls or desires - they come from within and the strength I feel from my family and friends. Just wanted to get that out there. Phew.

Even if you don't have PCOS you probably know someone who does, or might, or will.
They say PCOS affects 1 of every 10 women. Funny story about that...in college I had a total of 9 roommates over 5 years. ALL {no, I am not making that up} of them have babies - except me.

Fingers crossed.