products {that I love}...

I've always had what I feel to be a myriad of products to help with my oily skin and oily hair though none seemed to really help. I've tried so many scrubs and cremes and gels and medicines - I feel like now I'm back to where I started, kind of.

One of my longest facial friends is this little package....

They are amazing!! You take out one little blue sheet {or two if you need it, like me} and wipe it all around your face or where ever the oil is. They turn clear as the sheet soaks up the oil. They can be spendy, about $5 per pack, but they are totally worth it. I don't use them every day but during certain time of the month they are imperative.

Back over Christmas break I went to get my hair cut and the hair dresser was chatting with me and she told me she had PCOS. I didn't mention to her that I was going to get tested for it soon...but how weird for that to have happened?!?  Anyhoo, she was telling me about her hair care routine after I'd talked to her about my oily hair. She told me I needed to switch to a regimen that is "Sulfate Free". I'm happy to say that I have and it.is.amazing. Like, I can't believe it! There used to be times that I would get out of the shower, dry and style my hair and it would be oily before I walked out the door! Not now, I can make it all day. I bet I could make it for two days. I actually tried last weekend but the thought that I hadn't washed my hair on Sunday was really getting to me so I washed it at like 3pm. I'm weird.

The shampoo is on the left. The conditioner in the middle. I bought them both a Target because I didn't want to spend too much money in case I hated the stuff...but next time, or maybe sooner, I will be investing in some high-quality, sulfate free shampoo.

And I am in love with Neutrogena's Oil-Free Acne Wash. I think this might have been the only acne wash I hadn't tried, I think because I thought it was too simple. Well, it is amazing. It doesn't tighten or dry out my skin but it also doesn't create oil. For me, right now, it is a perfect blend.

The other thing that used to be only for special occasions...

Waterproof mascara. You know, becuase the urge to cry hits you at random times during the day. I love my other mascara because it makes my long eyelashes even longer but this one gives me some security. On the day in November I found out my insurance wasn't the best at covering infertility I also had a majorly-crazy meeting with a set of parents and kind of had a major meltdown. I did not have on water proof mascara and my contacts got all messed up while driving home {and crying on the phone to my Mom} because of the mascara. I had to make a few stops along the way to wipe my contacts out. Ever since - this has been my best friend. I also use {and always have} exclusively Clinique makeup. My first dermotologist recomended it to me and I never stopped...

Though my favorite thing in the whole world is...

Hot stone massage. And a 90 minutes one at that. I love my massage therapist. She is amazing. Part massage therapist, part mental therapist, part friend. After over 2 years together...she is an INTRICAL part of my team!!

I am always on the hunt for new products to help with the oily factor.

I hope that the medicine and working out helps get this under control. And now that I've found some good prodcuts I am feeling more confident. I hope this continues.

Fingers crossed.

- 10 lb goal!!

I am seriously proud of myself. Today I reached 10 pounds lost in 2 months. And to think - I did it while eating almost a whole box of Tagalongs...haha. You think I'm kidding but I'm not. It is not the weight watchers way BUT I did count the points. Those things are dangerous and delicious!!!

Anyways, the feeling of losing 10 pounds has been amazing. Sometimes I think the scale s purposely playing tricks on me, like it isn't real!! My pants feel so much better, my shirts {the 1x ones I had to buy in November} are too lose, and I really just do feel proud!

Now that I've found out I am insulin resistance I'll be slowly changing things up as I learn what is going on within my body. The Metformin has been going pretty good. No horrible side affects. I've been feeling really hot from the inside-out and that was taken to a NEW level while working out with my PT, Amanda, today. There was definitely some points where I was a bit wobbly and like majorly flushed {much more than normal}...but I pushed through and got a good workout in!!

Speaking of good, I had measurements today at PTing. Now I know my weights are different and that is because I weight in for weight watchers at 6am fresh out of the shower and I weight in for PT at 6pm in workout gear and shoes. I'm personally staying with the home scale...the number is lower ;-)

So here is my measurements. This is a BIG deal to put this out there but it is my hope that by doing it I might inspire someone. It's kind of embarrassing that I got to where I got weight and size wise but I know I am not working in the right direction and I have the support of my family and friends.

The waist and the hips are the ones I am most excited about. Minus 3.75 inches from my waist and minus 4 inches from my hips. Also {much to the dismay of my husband} I've lost 2 inches on my bust ;-)

I am so happy. I feel better on the Metformin {except for when I don't - which isn't too often}, I am losing weight, I am getting into a workout routine, I am looking better. It feels nice. Really nice.

We got to Kauai in 32 days and I am going to work really hard to lose 5 more pounds and get below 200 by the time we go!!

Fingers crossed.

the start of Metformin...

 I feel like all I've been doing all week is over-thinking and I'm frankly tired of it, but I just can't help it. And there has been plenty to think about!! School, work, friends, family, THE FUTURE...it's been everything. But, on the brighter side, it is nice to be getting it figured out. Or, at least, getting it all figured out for right now.

******************************************************

I haven't been talking a lot on here about PCOS, or at least how I've been feeling about PCOS, but something that I'm starting the hands-on battle of today is Insulin Resistance {IR}.
I still really don't know a lot about it but I am learning slowly but surely. My {very basic} understand of IR is that it is a condition where the body does produce insulin but does not use it properly.

Insulin, a hormone made by the pancreas, helps the body use glucose for energy. Glucose is a form of sugar that is the body's main source of energy.

My first step to fighting IR is taking a drug called Metformin. My second step is going to be diet and exercise.

From my {very basic} understanding Metformin is a drug that is designed to help my body treat high blood sugar levels. It will help my pancreas process insulin.

I took it about 2 hours ago and my stomach feels like it is in knots, feels warm but I have yet to get up and try to do stuff so we will see how that goes. It was recommended that I take it in the evening at the beginning of my meal. Tomorrow we are going out to a fancy-pants business dinner so I hope it goes okay then!! Tonight I wanted to have a nice, hearty {but healthy} meal that I knew would soak up lots of the medicine. We made something based off of the bowls from Cafe Yumm!.

As far as the exercise goes I've been working out with my awesome trainer 1 day per week and I even went to the gym after my marathon day yesterday. I was up at 5am {thanks to a noisy hubby & cat}, at work by 6:45 {that's when I usually get up}, worked a full day, went to class from 4 ~ 7 and then went to the gym. I was so proud of myself!!

The diet, that is where I'm getting a little lost!! I need a visual chart about what are "good vs bad carbs" and what I should and shouldn't eat. My mom suggested looking at my local hospitals for support groups and my friend Cari who's a physical therapist and over-all just a smart lady has volunteered to help me start to understand what IR really is. I love my friends and family. I feel like I can never say that enough!!

I know this is a short post but I wanted to let everyone know what is going on. I"m off to bed to hopefully sleep off these side affects that keep sneaking up every minute I sit here...ug.

Fingers crossed.

a fun filled Tuesday...

...haha, just joking.

3/4 of my 4 day weekend were awesomely spent at the beach. The other 1/4 was spent getting worked up, blood drawn, and having a rather stressful day.

Since my labs at OHSU were at 12noon today I had to take the whole day off work...hence the 4 day weekend!

I went and picked the hubby up on schedule and we made it through downtown Portland and to what we thought was the right street in record time. Then, we took the wrong street. Like, we took the one that got us back on the freeway going away from the hospital. So we back on track about 1 mile from where we started except we hit every.single.bleeping.red.light there is between Broadway and OHSU. I was frustrated to say the least. Jason kept calm, as usual. We did end up making it still about 5 minutes early so I was somewhat happy but I like to be earlier than that.

We had a bit of a wait which I guess should have been expecting. It was only about 15 minutes but when you're already hyped up and you're going in for a test to determine how your future could unfold, that is a long time!!

Once we headed back I got instantaneously nervous. I did not want that IV in. I've had IV's but never while I was awake - at least in my memory. My nurse was Sharon and she was amazing. She was so calm and she was so good and what she did. She had my IV in within 5 seconds. It was SO amazing to have Jason there too!! And of course a little teddy bear made an appearance :)

I really thought that I wouldn't want to look at it but I did okay doing it. I think it helped that I couldn't see the entry point. I hated that dangly part so she taped it to my arm - she could read me like a book and knew it was bugging me. Like I said, she was great!!

So here is how the test went down after the IV was in. She drew my blood for my control or "zero" draw. Then she gave me 1 mL of 0.25 mg injection of cosyntropin which is a synthetic hormone.She has warned me a bit about the side affects but I generally don't have a ton of side affects so I think I might have partially tuned her out. Well, that wasn't a good idea. She started to slowly put in the hormone and my arm started itching/tingling/feeling really cold and then, about 20 seconds later, the affects hit me. I felt like there was a small child sitting on my chest and my chest felt hot. Like, I gasped which kind of made Jason's eyes bug out of his head and I think freaked us both out a bit. It lastest for at least 1.5 minutes and Sharon just kept saying "just remember to breathe". After about 30 seconds the heat and compression started to go to my stomach and there was a few split second where I wasn't sure if this stuff felt like it could come out of any end. UG. That's probably TMI but it is what it is. After about 2 minutes it all subsided and Jason sat back down and bugges his eyes back into his head and Sharon went to get me some water.

About half way through the one hour test I got really cold but I couldn't put my sweatshirt back on because of the IV and my dear husband was busy playing games on his phone but sweet Sharon, she realized I was cold and brought me a pre-warmed blanket. It was a bit of bliss.

So other than the initial 2 minutes, everything else was rather boring. I was not a fan of the feeling of the IV in my arm so moving it was kind of out of the question for me. I paroosed the Internet for a while but everyone else in the universe was at work so no one was playing any of the games I usually play :( It was a rather uneventful hour. I sat reclined in a chair and thought about life. Which can be good and can be bad. Today there was A LOT of things running through my mind ranging from what to plan for my husband's 30th birthday party to what color scheme I'd want a nursery to be to what I wanted for lunch.

In the end I will now have to wait a week or so for the results but Sharon assured me she knew I'd be waiting for them and she'd get them to my Endo ASAP. She knows my Endo because apparently my Endo used to work at OHSU so maybe that connection will actually get the results there faster.

Here's to hoping the week or so goes fast...

Fingers crossed.

tomorrow...

...the end of the beginning is here.

or

...the beginning of the rest of forever is here.

Either way, tomorrow is a big day.

At 12noon I will be having a one hour test at OHSU. My wonderful husband will be accompanying me. He actually works not too far from there so I'll pick him up at work, go to OHSU, and then drop him back off. It should work nicely.

The test I am having is called a "Cortrosyn Stimulation Test". The test is to find out how adrenal glands respond properly to a hormone from the pituitary gland. They will put an IV in my ARM, my ARM....ug, this is why the hubby get to come :) Okay, once they put the IV in my arm they will draw my blood at 0, 30 and 60 minutes to see how my body reacts to a synthetic pituitary hormone {called adrenoncorticotropic hormone} they will put in the IV.

I have an IV's in my life but not in my memory. Though I hate needles I'd like to say I am getting better at dealing with them...that is, until the next time I get a shitty nurse - then the fear will be back with avengance.

Here's to hoping I don't faint and the test results come back quickly.

This test will be to rule in or out something called Late-Onset Congenital Adreanal Hyperplasia. If the test shows I have L-O CAH then that is what I will have. If it doesn't, then I'll have PCOS. It's like I either get a shitty {PCOS} or a really shitty {L-O CAH} diagnosis.

{I'd say sorry for the language but I'm kind of not. It's kind of how I'm feeling}.

I haven't done any reading besides from the above link ~ if it is or isn't what I have - I'm not ready for it yet. Honestly I'm not ready for any of this but this what who I am and what I have... The scariest thing about the possibe Late-Onset CAH is, IF I have it, is pasing it on especially if we have a boy. Even PCOS they believe to be genetic which is tough. It's really tough to think about now that I know, what do I do about it? Kids? Adopt? No kids?

I know I need to wait to think about all of this...but I can't help it. I just can't. And I'm kind of over people telling me "well you are still young" or "there is time" or anything along those lines. It doesn't make me mad but man, it just sucks to hear!! It is true, I am only a few weeks away from turning 29 but this ISN'T fun to deal with no matter if it was 15, 30, 40...any age. I've had all this my whole life it is just now coming to light. I've known for a L O N G time that this wasn't going to easy but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

ALSO ~ Tomorrow I am starting my new medicine, Metformin. Wish me {and everyone around me} luck with that one... I'm waiting until tomorrow because my Endo said to wait until after this last test was done. I'm hoping I'll be in the camp where Metformin helps and doesn't have nasty side affects. More on that later.

Fingers crossed.

just a little light reading...

...of my insurance manual.

I know I said I would only read one book at a time but I've recently started reading up about my insurance coverge. 50% of the reason we went down the diagnostic path when we did was to ensure insurance infertility coverage - if needed. Now we know it is needed and I want to know what I can do about it.

Since PCOS is a sister-syndrome of Diabetes I've been reading up on diabetes coverage with hopes being able to take a next step. There are rules and coverages avaliable to patients with diabetes - the main one I have been focusing on is dietisans.

I would really like to go to a dietisan to learn about what it is to be insulin-resistant and what I can do about. I am an auditory learner so while reading books is good for me I function much better if I can hear it. It college I had a room mate who would read our text books outloud while I layed and listened - it was perfect :) I am also a visual learner. I'm thinking I'm going to need to make a chart of good vs bad carbs & sugars and other foods!!

All in all, I just want to understand my rights and the rules of insrance as best I can. There are people at my school that didn't even know that you can get 45 massages a year on my insurance...craziness!!

Fingers crossed.

a few random thoughts...

*In no particular order...

~ I picked up my new medicine today. 50,000 once a week for 12 weeks of Vitamin D. Also, 500 mg Metformin, slow release. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it is and what it does...

~ However, I can't start those meds until after my OHSU appoitment which is on Tuesday afternoon. I'm actually excited to see how my body reacts to the meds.

~ I've had some great conversations with coworkers this week.

~ I had a nice Valentine's. I'm up for any day that gives you an excuse to get flowers and have a nice dinner! We decided to do cards only. We're going to Hawaii in 44 days and my birthday is in 30 days :-)

~ We're heading to the beach this weekend with my family to go clamming and get out of town!!

~ I love my husband. He's been SO helpful, understanding and willing to listen :)

~ I've lost 9 pounds so far. And then I strained my back last weekend but I think it is on the mend now.

~ I met my dear friend K for hot cocoa today. It was much needed. It is such an AMAZING experience to be able to talk to someone who is there. And we are so alike it is pretty scary. She is without a doubt going to be a forever friend!!!

Well, I think that's it.

Over and out.

Fingers crossed.

of family and friends...

I vary between worrying, crying, thinking about the worst possibly outcome and being thankful from moment to moment. I worry because it is so unknown and complicated. I cry because of well, the same reasons. I worry about the worst possible outcome because of well, you get the picture. Though I am thankful for different reasons - I am thankful to know something is wrong {weird to say that in one thought...}, I am thankful for good doctors who are making things happen, I am thankful that I'll be starting some drugs this week that will hopefully make me feel better and I am THANKFUL for my friends and family!!!

I am the kind of person who needs people to know. I want people to know. I want to tell them, teach them, and have as many people with me on this journey that want to come along. I think the more I talk about it the less daunting, scary, and secretive it seems. I know that if I held it in, it would be bad. If I hold anything in - it eats me alive.

At school today I got a compliment from a coworker about sharing my story and that she'd be keeping up and thinking about me - and that made me smile - even as I was on the floor, grimacing with back pain.

My family is pretty much in the group that is already along for the ride, no matter what. My husband has been SO amazing. Like, he's surprising me all the time. He's helping more, he's asking more, he's being great. My parents are amazing. My Mom is reading the same books I am reading and while my Dad and I don't really talk about the details {because that is AWKWARD} I know he's there for me. My extended family, they've all been SO supportive once I told them. They've shared their own stories and trials and offered to be there, anytime, and I truly believe that they will be.

My friends are also pretty awesome. They've done research, asked questions, listened, and let me know they're there. Everyone of them, be it my best friends or my coworkers, have taken the time to understand and not just blow it off. Their support has helped me to feel like this is do-able. It is nice to have such a variety of people supporting me.

**As I was typing this one of my longest friends sent me an email about healthy information and levels of types of foods you should eat. Made me tear up...seriously. Love it.

Fingers crossed.

Book #2 - Why we get fat

One of my best friends, Robyn, recommended this book to me. While she does not suffer from PCOS she is very into all things {healthy} food. This book {from what she has told me} helps explain what carbs and sugars are and how to eat them correctly. I am very interested to get into this book!!

Fingers crossed.

PCOS in the news...

PCOS in the news!!!

The above linked article is about a woman who has PCOS and is speaking out. It is, in a sense, political because it talks about the Obama contraceptives drama. I am posting it because I feel she is courageous and needs to be heard by as many people as possible!!

This is one of the reasons I started blogging...to hopefully - someday in some way - inspire someone else!!

Fingers crossed.

and the results are in...

....and here goes the rest of my life. My life after today.

It is nice to know but man, this sucks. Like, a lot. All this information I got on a voicemail from my Endo. I had called on Wednesday and played phone tag a few times and gave her permission to leave me a voicemail. It was actually nice because I could replay it again and again {and again}. The bummer part - it got cut off. I think I have all the VIP information but I'll update it if it changes!! He is supposed to talk to me tomorrow.

Here's the information. When applicable I'll say what our next step is.

Blood Sugars - Normal
This means that I am not yet in Pre-Diabetes but I'll need to be watched for it.

Insulin
I am insulin resistant. My pancreas doesn't keep up with my body. Ways to overcome this are exercise and diet. Also, there is a drug called Metformin. It works my suppressing glucose production by the liver. I will be starting that soon. I hear it can be rough but if it can help make my life better I'll have to try my hardest to push through it.
Vitamin D
I am very deficient in my Vitamin D. Maybe we need to move to Hawaii ;-) A normal level is 30 and I have 17.6. I will take 50,000 IU for 12 weeks which is a prescription. Then after that I will take D3 2,000 IU daily. I can also decide if I want to get a sunlamp...or move to Hawaii ;-)
Thyroid Level
Normal - to a point. I'm a little high on the thyroid peroxidase antibodies but nothing of clinical significance.
Estrogen Level
Normal.

Testosterone
High
17-Hydroxyprogesterone
This is what my Endocrinologist is most concerned about. My levels of this are extremely elevated and I have been referred to the OHSU Dynamic Endocrinologist Testing Unit. Sounds important, huh?! They are looking for something called Late onset congenital adrenal hyperplasia. I'm not totally sure what it is but it is basically like PCOS but um, worse, especially considering looking at if we are able to start a family... Hopefully we will rule it out instead of rule it in. If we are ruling it in there are some serious things to consider going forward to have a family that would involve some genetic testing. Major overload.

Cysts
I do have them, my ovaries are covered with them. They are not the kind you can remove and I think that is one of the most misleading things about PCOS. If you've read the "what is PCOS" section of my blog you'll learn that PCOS is actually not a good name representation of what this syndrome is. There is something called ovarian drilling but it is much worse than it sounds - if that is at all possible.
I'm feeling okay. Well, that's kind of a lie. I'm feeling overwhelmed, sad, worried, glad to know, angry, like I can't catch my breath and like I need a bottle of wine, a big one. I feel like now I'm on the roller coaster. Like, before this I was just looking at it and not wanting to go on it but now, here I am, unable to get off.

Fingers crossed.

no excuses {today} and no results {yet}...

Yesterday wasn't a good day. Between my burning desire to hear my results {after a weekend of trying not to think about it} and my hard day at work, I wasn't up for the gym. I should have been. I was packed and had a plan in my head but I just couldn't do it. I needed to decompress.

Today was better, though I still got no results. They told me last week that if I hadn't heard by Wednesday to call....I wonder if they meant call ON Wednesday ;-)

But today was better because I had no excuses - at least about the gym. I knew I had my sister-in-laws birthday dinner at 6 and that I get off work about 3:45 if I jet out of there I could make it all happen. So I jetted out of work, went to the chiropractor, and headed to the gym for 40 minutes of a workout. I feel very proud of myself. I would have never done that before.

What got me motivated was that I know I won't go tomorrow {YEAH for concerts!!!} and I'll go Thursday and Saturday. This month I am working out with my trainer once a week instead of every-other week and I work SO MUCH BETTER when I know someone is watching me. With my trainer I made a commitment to go 3 days by myself and once with her for the month of February. I don't want to let myself and I don't want to have to face her if I don't do it. "PT pressure" is a bitch and I'm paying good money for this so I might as well hold up my end of the bargain!!

I hope I get my results tomorrow.

Fingers crossed.

this waiting game...

...is killing me!!!

I just want my results. Friday I thought I was okay with not knowing but now it's bugging me.

Other than that I had my first workout in 2 weeks! Since I had a Cortizone shot 2 weeks ago I wasn't allowed by my podiatrist to do anything besides walking. Which has been a bummer since I was finally on a roll and schedule with working out.

Thankfully because of weight watchers I have actually continued to lose weight even though I wasn't working out! I can't wait to see what happens when I mix a good toe, with healthy back, and a lot of exercise!!

Fingers crossed.

bracelet's of love...

...from my Mom and my best friend, Lee.

On the 20th of January, the day I went to the Endocrinologist, I started wearing a bracelet and I haven't stopped since.

In the above collage the top heart necklace is from my best friend, Leena. For my bridal shower she actually gave me heart earrings from Tiffany's but they didn't fit because the hearts were so big they covered up my second earring hole. I ended up trading them in {with Lee's blessing} for a bracelet. I actually wore the bracelet in my wedding!

The middle bracelet is one my Mom bought for me when she was in Spain last summer. It is ticker than the other two and goes nicely with tee shirts.

The bottom bracelet is from my Mom. I know she gave it to be at Christmas sometime. I even remember the little bag it came in. It's on this stretchy, clear band that actually needs to be replaced because I am very worried it is going to break.

I actually have a few other things I want to make into bracelets. One is a charm my Mom gave me from high school graduation with the word imagine inscribed on it. The other is a heart that was the first piece of jewelry Jason gave me. It isn't diamonds, but it is special. I've kept it and it would be nice to figure out how to incorporate it into a bracelet.

There's been a few other times that I've worn any one of these as a little reminder of who gave it to me and to help get me through rough times.

I also have my eye on this beauty...I mean if your best friend gets you something from Tiffany's - shouldn't your husband too?!?! I'll update you when I get one.

Fingers crossed.

until next week...

...that is how long I have to wait to get my test results.

Turns out because I went to a hospital near my house instead of the hospital where my Endo is. Because they are not in the same "network" my Endo can't just pull them up and look at them. But the medical assistant assured me that there's a note on my file that says to call whenever a lab results come in. I'm hoping the call doesn't come in the middle of me teaching...because I'm going to want to answer that call SO BAD!!

Lesson learned.

Fingers crossed.

Until then I have my PCOS book to finish and my CARB book to start. Oh, and my homework to do for class :( Here's to a book filled weekend!!!

Just sayin'...

...I have the BEST family & friends!

To me, this picture means...

There are many paths to take you where you want to go but they all result in you jumping into the ocean. The one main path was before January 20th. Right now I'm 4 steps from the first Y. And even if I choose to go to the right, it doesn't mean I can't double back and go to the left someday.

As the title of this blog post says, I have amazing friends and family. They are my support. And I am in love with all of them. I have had so many of friends and family listen to me blabber on and on about what I'm going through. They've offered to help, they've researched on their own, they've asked questions and they've said I LOVE YOU.

This blog has been very nice because I emailed to link to many of my supports when I first started a week or so ago. ALL of them had read it before they talked to me and for that I am grateful. Not one of them has said anything "stupid". So far, there's only been one person - who isn't a family or friend - who's said something that didn't jive with me. Some have offered advise, some have given suggestions on various topics {healthy food, their past experiences}, and all have given me power. The power to know that sharing my story is the right way, for me, to go.

I feel like I will never be able to repay all of their support but I hope that one day, if any of them should ever need an ear or a should or a hug, that I'll be able to give them that.

So, to all my family and friends, I LOVE YOU. More than you all know. Thank you, for being there for me as we start this journey.

PS. Feel free to leave comments - even if it is just to say "hello" or "I'm thinking of you...". Comments are like little love notes and would certainly put a smile on my face :-)

Fingers crossed.

during the storm...

...I saw a rainbow.

Today was the last day of the current round of tests to "put the pieces of the piuzzle" together. I had my ultrasound. So once I get the results from this and the glucose & blood work we'll go from there.

I've been feeling happy a lot this week. More often than not - which is a good change of pace.
And then - as I'm walking out of the ultrasound and realizing this is the "end" of this stage it is raining and sunny...and you know what rain + sun equals...

Outside the door of the hospital.

 

It was a half-arc rainbow but I couldn't get it all in one shot.

I drove across the street to give it a better look.

As I sat and looked at the rainbow tears just started coming. I couldn't stop them. I wasn't like bawling but I was certainly emotional. It wasn't for very long and I'm not even sure what it was for. Maybe for the fact that the inital testing is over. Maybe because I'm scared of what all the tests will say. There are so many options of what it could have been. Though I think, it was all of it. The unknown, the despair, the desire, the hurt, the love {I feel from my family & friends}, and the thought of what is to come.

Then I went and spent time with my AMAZING parents. Love them.

Fingers crossed.